Tuesday, April 05, 2005
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just thoughts
thoughts..
there is so much on my mind, so much that is bothering me, so much that i dont get about my life. life is not like an hour glass, i cant always turn over the hour glass and start anew after i made a mistake. there is no 2nd chance or whatsoever. once a mistake is made, it accumulates. there is no way to undo what had been done. everytime when i sit around to chat with my girlfriends, we would come to this topic about how a woman should be, and we would always end with a conclusion where a woman should be contented with her life, to have her own dignity, to stand up for her own rights, and the most important thing is to be happy. i have never doubted that, in fact i totally agree with whats said. in life we should always be happy with what we are given, but sometimes, i just dont know how to. i expect a lot from myself and the people around me, especially ry. i know i shouldnt be, but its something which i cant help. i love ryan, and most of the time i am wondering if he loves me as much too. i want to be there for him, to share his life with him; i want to worry with him and to share his joy and his pain, but most of the time, i am not too sure if he wants to do that with me. sometimes i do feel like a nuisance in his life, it is a depressing thought, i know. i am always the one wondering when i will get to see him again, or when he will call me back, and more than often, i will be the one picking up the phone and initiating the dates and stuff. all these makes me wonder if i am really that important to him. i cant seem bring him much joy, i am not smart, neither am i funny or out-going. i dont have what you call the 'x' factor or charisma. but i know i am trying my best to be his girlfriend, and his best friend. i really dont understand why we had to procrastinate the misunderstandings between us. i want things to be solved, so we can move on in this relationship. procrastinating the problems is not gonna help us in anyway. if we are gonna continue to stop talking to each other whenever there is a misunderstanding, one day we might not even have anything to talk to each other about.
i know things are hard; when its not me, its him, and when its not him, its me. we never seem to give in at the same time. i hate to waste my time thinking about whether we will be able to work out in the end. i just want to love him, and add what i can to his life.
i had relived it all, picked through the rubbles of life and exposed all my vulnerabilities and failures and triumphs and heartbreaks. i gave everything inside me to you..hoping that you can transform it into something else, a new awareness that would get me through the long, lonely nights..
i may seem strong on the outside, but i am totally different on the inside. i want to be pampered, to be spoiled by love. i need a pillar of strength, and someone to hold me when i am crippling inside. i need lots of reassurance. in fact, i need what all girls need, or maybe even more. actions mean a lot to me, however sometimes, actions need to be accompanied by words, and sometimes i just need to a kiss to make up.
life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best out of it, without knowing what is going to happen next.
♥
8:59 pm
i scribble (:
